Jack Benny

"Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman, and you can keep my golf clubs and fresh air."

Jack Benny

Politeness!

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for a pound a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the course the second guy, busy counting his winnings, confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro, flustered and apologetic, offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. Please keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"The Priest replied "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them!"

Crawley Club Xmas Lunch!

The highly enjoyable Tilgate Seniors Xmas lunch took place at the Crawley Club on 14 December - brilliant photography by Eddie Bowles. Don't you think so Bryan?

A few of the many winners during the year

Winter Eclectic Gavin Grove
Captains Day Ken Pattenden
Hole in One Gavin Grove 15th hole
Jim Kenrick Birthday Trophy George Lockert
Four Seasons Bryan Foster
Singles Trophy Eddie Bowles
Jim Roberts Trophy Bill Crozier

Seaford Head

When Seaford Head first opened in 1886, it had only twelve holes, but within two years it was an eighteen hole course. The course was built on a Saxon camp whose origins go back to the Iron Age. During the last war, the course was used by the military and for food production. A lone pill box guards against invasion. The war years caused a lot of damage to the course but it was repaired in 1946. Unusually there is an air navigation beacon located on the course, that is used by pilots en route to Gatwick airport and beyond.

Nowadays to say the course is stunning is an understatement. Go and experience the magnificent views of the sea and the South Downs, especially those from the 13th hole onwards, which have panoramic views of the Seven Sisters towards Beachy Head.

And now the golf on Thursday 9 December organised superbly, as always, by Brian Cowie. In first place with a record 48 points was Ivor Blunden. Second and third place respectively with 40 points were Dug Godfrey and Peter Quelch. In fourth place with 38 points was Ron Stocker.

Nearest the pins were won by Peter Quelch, Brian Cowie, Bryan Redley, Bill Crozier and Brian Wood.

Eclectic Round 2

Tilgate senior starters do a magnificent job. Here Starter Bill Power regulates law and order at the beginning of the Eclectic second round. Would you argue with him? I think not!

Round 2 was won by Bryan Foster with 37 points. In second and third place respectively with 36 points were Richard Aldridge and Roger Pearce.

Texas Scramble at Tilgate!

Texas Scrambles involve 4 or 3 person teams playing their balls, but with each shot coming from the same spot (the best of the three or four drives is chosen and all team members then hit from that spot, and so on).

The variation in a Texas Scramble is that at least four drives of each member of the team must be used during the course of the round or five balls if it is a three player team. At least four drives hit by Player A, four by Player B, and so on. In a regular scramble, a great driver might have his tee ball used on every hole. A Texas Scramble eliminates that possibility and allows even the weakest driver on the team to get into the action.

Why the word Texas is used nobody knows.... or maybe you do?

On 22 November the Tilgate Texas Sramble was won by Alex Milne, Bryan Foster and Gordon Kennedy. In second place was Alan Smith, Roger Pearce, Joe Burgin and Fred Green. Third place went to John Rae, Mark Hart, Bill Power and Ken Pattenden.

Eclectic first round hopefuls!

An eclectic, or eclectic tournament, is a multi-round golf tournament that results in one 18-hole score per player. Eclectics work this way: Participants play X number of rounds, and compare their scores on each hole per round. The lowest score made on each hole is recorded, producing an 18-hole score. Example: There are three rounds; in Round 1, the golfer makes a 6 on hole No. 1; in Round 2, a 7 on hole No. 1; in Round 3, a 4 on hole No. 1. That golfer's score for the first hole is a 4.
The lowest of each round's scores per hole are recorded on one scorecard and turned in as the final score.

This is the first round of our winter eclectic competition. The winners of this round are in first place Bryan Foster 39 points, second Bryan Wood 37 points and Albert Aston in third place with 35 points.

A Day at Chartham Park!

Designed by Neil Coles and constructed in 1988, Chartham Park is surrounded by ancient green belt woodland with magnificent views across the North Downs. The 18 hole Par 72 parkland course has been designed to the highest standards and features an abundance of mature trees, carp filled lakes and several heath land holes on the back 9. The venue is also a regular venue for the Tilgate Seniors as it was on Thursday 4 November.

Organised extremely well, as always, by Brian Cowie the event was won by Ron Humphrey with 38 points. In second and third places respectively with 36 points were Joe Birgin and Ron Stocker. Fourth place went to Gavin Groves with 35 points.

Nearest the pins were won by Gerry Kelly, Gavin Groves (twice), John Rea, Bryan Redley, Bryan Foster, Ken Jordan and Bill Crozier.

The photo below Chartham Park shows Ron (the winner) with his team Leslie Vail and Dug Godfrey.

Four Seasons Cup

On Monday 1 November Terry Penfold won the Four Seasons Cup with 43 points. In second and third place with 36 points respectively were Bryan Foster and Gavin Grove.

The event also included an over 75s competition. This was won by John Watson with 36 points, the runner up was Jim Roberts with 35 points. Ken Pattenden came third with 34 points.

Scotsman's Cup

The Scotsman's Cup was played on 26 October. The winner was Terry Penfold with 39 points. In second place was Tudor Williams with 38 points and, in third place, was .... wait for it.... Bill Fenton with 33 points.

An October Thursday at Rookwood!

Brian Cowie once again organised a splendid away day of golf at Rookwood on Thursday 14 October. The overall winner was Joe Burgin with 38 points. In 2nd, 3rd and 4th places respectively were Roger Pearce, Terry Penfold and Ron Humphrey. The front nine was won by Bryan Redley and the back nine by Colin Puddephatt. Nearest the pins were won by George Lockert (twice!), Dug Godfrey, Bill Huntley, Colin Puddephatt and Ray Thirtle.

Tilgate Special Ladies Men Match

By Mollie Bourton

One Thursday after a round of Golf Leslie was approached in the car park by a gentleman from the Senior’s at Tilgate and asked if a match could be organised - Leslie got on the case and the match took place on Thursday 9th September. We met at the clubhouse just after eight, we all paid a small entry fee and were given a strip of raffle tickets free, others were on sale if required. Six teams played a Texas Scramble, each team comprised of three men and one lady, except our team which was two men and two ladies, Brenda representing one of the Senior’s.

Our team had a good time out there on the golf course, we won’t say too much about the golf, we laughed and sang our way around the course, we reminded ourselves it was Battle of Britain week – we won’t say too much about the golf but it was pointed out that we had come sixth, not last but sixth !

Rain threatened all day, but stayed away and we were the last team and as we got to putt on the 18th it started to spit with rain so we rushed to finish and put our clubs in the car and the skies opened up and it poured.

We got back to the clubhouse and the Seniors had arranged for a very nice lunch with sandwiches, tea and coffee and cake. Leslie had supplied all the prizes for the raffle.

Very many thanks to Brian and Leslie for all their hard work - I know they enjoyed the day too, it was a real pleasure and we look forward to many more matches in the future.

Three wishes

A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and fishes out a smoke. He enjoys.

"Anything else?" she says. "A cold beer," he says. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and comes up with a beer. He's relaxing with his beer and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?"

He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "You got a set of clubs in there, too?"

The match against Surrey National!

Captain's Day

Monday 12 July the Captain's cup was well contested. The results being as follows:

Winner Ken Pattenden (17) 43 Points
Second Reg Luff (28) 42 Points
Third Colin Duggan (15) 41 Points

Handicaps in brackets

My score oops I forget.

Only once a week

Tom was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a short putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Tom. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

I play golf on Fridays

By John Bennett

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to
stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on
her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her
passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while
basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied,

'Well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I play golf.”

A Tilgate Victory over Hassocks!

Wednesday 7 July

Here we have Geoff Barden from Hassocks, George Lockert and Captains Joe Burgin and Peter Ward. They finished 7 & 6. Another fine win for Joe, now on 50% wins in the interclub matches.

Tilgate won 4 matches to 2 with the results as follows:
Colin Puddephatt & Ivoe Blunden Lost 1 hole
Bryan Foster & Tony Kingston Lost 2 & 1
Gavin Grove & Roy Lowe Won 2 & 1
Ron Humphrey & Bill Power Won 4 & 5
Peter Quelch & Bill Crozier Won 8 & 7

The day was perfect for golf ,the food was fine and the result first class.
Lets hope we can repeat the result at the return match on Thursday 23rd September.

John Rae's First Win!

John Rae’s 38 points gave him his first win at Tilgate. Playing off 14 he started the year18th in the January Eclectic, 3rd in the March Eclectic, 6th in the February Eclectic, which moved him up to 15 handicap,13th in the Four Seasons, 8th in the Whisky Singles, back to 30th in the April Medal, 4th in the Five Club competition, 7th in the Spring Cup, 14th in the Mayday Rose Bowl, and then 1st in the Whitsun Trophy. He says there was nothing special in this round which went like this:-

5,5,4,5,2,6,6,6,4 for 18 points out.
5,3,6,4,4,4,4,6,6,for 20 points back.

Bryan Foster was the runner up on the same points and Ron Humphrey third with 36 points. Finally 2nd in the June Medal. Must be time for John to put his name down for some of the Interclub matches.

John started playing golf in 1980 at Cottesmore, where his handicap went from 21 to 8. He had learned to play golf as a caddie at Carlow course in Southern Ireland. for two shilling and sixpence a round plus a one shilling tip if he was lucky.

John came to Crawley from Ireland in 1967 and worked for ten years in the foundry at APV. Then he worked as a night telephonist, where he worked with Brian Cowie. He then returned to APV for two half years later then went to work for Toyota GB, finally ending up at Air Miles for twelve years where he was able to travel all over Europe with his wife Pat. In 2003 he moved to Wales but came back in 2008 starting at Tilgate with a handicap of 14.

Foxbridge at Tilgate

A very good day all round, especially for our teams that went out second and third.

The Foxbridge Captain complimented our course and the meal after the match. We won 4 -2 - the return away match at Foxbridge is on Wednesday 14th July!